Rough times

Roxana has been making progress. God has already answered MANY prayers.

Today, though- I'm weighed down with jealousy as I saw more mommies leaving the hospital with their two-three day old babies. Anger and confusion as to why both of my babies had to stay in the hospital when I was sent home, I understand medically speaking, but why God had this planned for us twice. It's been 21 days. 21 terribly long, depressing days. I wanted to be the mommy who had her baby in her room with her until we were both discharged.. together. I wanted to be the mommy waiting downstairs at the door, holding my newborn, waiting for her daddy to drive up and pick us up. I WANT to be able to let family hold Roxy, not wait months to do it. Instead- Lily, Stephen and I are rushed to wake up and get going to the hospital every morning so we can spend 1.5-2 hours with Roxy. When I pick up or change our Roxy, I have to be careful not to pull on her feeding tube and 4 other wires that are attached to her. I get to deal with anxiety during rounds, wondering if it's good news or bad news. My two year old daughter doesn't understand why her mommy keeps crying, saying "Mommy, just be happy. It's okay Mommy"  I'm angry because I was in that doctors office two or three times a week in the end for 6 weeks! We watched SO CLOSELY to prevent things from happening. I'm angry because my OB didn't see any of this coming.

I am VERY grateful to God for this amazing gift of life, PLEASE don't get me wrong.... it's just so hard to understand "why" which I know that trusting in God, I don't NEED to know the "why" and trust in Him. I just want Roxy home. I want her to be healthy.